Pain...

Pain is pain. It needs no description, no explanation, no justification. Nothing.

It is just to be felt and absorbed. Second by second. Minute by minute. Day after day.

And to prepare oneself for more to come.

Life or Death?

...and she could'nt take it any more. Why was death playing hide and seek with her? She did have a choice to figure out if it was life or was it death for her? But she chose to play a wait and watch game.

She let go of herself and let the tears flow, hoping it would eventually drown her. And then there would be peace. Forever.

But sadly life is cruel. The tears flowed and stopped eventually and Pari was jolted back to reality. She saw the coming year staring at her, arms wide open, inviting her for the embrace. The deadly embrace. There was no way to run. There was no way to hide.

And Pari cursed the magazine containing the self test thing to figure out if you indeed had the symptoms of that most dreaded disease. Didnt her symptoms match with what was written in the magazine? It had, atleast for sometime, scaring the life out of her then. But eventually with passing years, the symptoms started fading away, giving her relief.

Now she wanted all the symptoms to come back. A few symptoms still exist, but if they were dangerous for her or an indication that she was suffering from the disease, Pari didnt know. But she could only hope and wait.

But she had this sinking feeling somehow that Death was cheating her, Life was stalking her. She hated God with all fervor.

And she cried....

WTF!

Recently in the news....skeletons of kids found in Noida. Sexually abused and then killed. Bloody maniacs, bastards, they should be stripped in public and shot. A gruesome death, that's what these perverts need!

What has the world come to? So much of filth, so much hatred, killing, a woman in Mumbai getting molested openly by perverts at the Gateway Of India, sigh, what has this world come to.

In the morning you get the newspaper and try reading it and it leaves you depressed for the entire day. You then switch on the news, the same depressing news about killings, murders, accidents, rapes, fucking bomb blasts.

Just hope this New Year brings an end to all this. Wishful thinking I know, but I just pray to God.

Yeah I said I will pray. That doesnt make me believe in you God. I have lost faith in you and you know why. But today when I look around me, the suffering, the distress faced by people, I let go my ego and pray, pray that you do something good for them atleast.

Amen

Time...

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity"

Have fallen in love with this quote.

Wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

....

Somebody said, “The hatred of those who are near to us is the most violent”

Never realized that it existed. But it did, subconsciously, all the time and she never realized. She can't blame anyone but her own self because SHE failed to realize where she was going wrong.

Now she needs to do a lot of soul-searching. Now she needs to take a long walk. In the process she is going to hurt a lot of people she loves. She can only ask for their forgiveness. But that's the best way. That's the only way. For everyone. And herself.

Dawn

Sleep eluded her. She felt restless. Taking out her small diary, she started writing.

Life is like a roller coaster ride. And to be very honest, its being a rough one. Expected that. My choice. Not that I am regretting it, but sadly, I am human after all. Something I loose my way, my mind. Even more when you suddenly feel that the support you require is not there for you and when you need it the most. I should not think like that. Not fair. I know it's there, but I guess sometimes I expect too much. And end up hurting myself.

I just long to hold those hands. Enough to make me feel relaxed and confident. A small gesture, which speaks volumes. Sometimes I am afraid to let go of them. Unsure, fearful, if I will ever get the opportunity of holding them again. But again I am afraid to hold them too tight. What if I hurt them? Make them feel caged, uneasy, making them desperately wanting to let go?
But then, the worst has already happened, has it not? How much worse can things get after this? I don't know. I don't want to know. Till sometime back, I believed in miracles, not anymore.

She looked outside her window. It was dawn. She stood in the balcony. Beautiful. The birds chirping. The coolness and the freshness in the light breeze which hit her face. Everything around her seemed new, fresh and full of life. It was a rare sight for her since she was always a late riser. She regretted missing out on this sight, this feeling, all this while.

It filled her heart with hope. She went inside and back to bed.
She didn't realize when she fell asleep. But when she opened her eyes she was not alone.
Her new friend, HOPE, who she just met at dawn, was still with her. Thankfully.

From Idiosyncrasy to Sensibility

Date - 12th December, 2006
Setting - My house
Time - 9:50 PM


Why the sudden urge to have pani puris? At 9:50 in the evening!?!

Am I loosing it or what?

It been like this the entire day. This craving to have wrong food at wrong hours.

In the morning when I woke up, I had this terrible urge to have biryani in breakfast. Well, the idea of having biryani I had to sacrifice, but could not resist the pani puris. So ordered them at 10 at night and now after having them, and really tasty ones, I am at peace

Now at 11:44 PM, I want to have Sprite. I have started loving it, thanks to a friend who simply cant do without it especially during his meals.

Yesterday I bought 2 bottles and finished it all. So now I am having to do with nimbu pani with lots of ice!

Slowly I am getting into my thinking mode. Yeah, I can think too! Funny yeah? But true i am afraid.

Thinking how I can get my life back on track. Hmn, Popz think and think hard...

Got it. I am gonna follow my heart.

I refuse to continue with something which takes the life out of me. I refuse to stick to it simply because I have no alternatives right now.

I know things will not materialize at one go. i will have to struggle. I will have to wake up in the morning and get that sinking feeling.

But I will fight and I will get what I want.

Patience, thanks for being a wonderful friend and my constant companion. I will need you now.

Time, I have a lot of respect for you. I know mine will come soon.

My friends, TS, Honeybunny, Vagabond, Nuttiez...I love you all and I know you guys are besides me.

And now I am sleepy. Time to hit the shack.

Have a sexy night. Adios till next time.